self-leadership is the new secure attachment
You can go deeper than secure. And it's already in you.
by Keith Miller, LCSW-C
Secure just sounds better. Who doesn’t want that in their relationships?
But there’s something I just don’t like about how this word gets used. Just like the word good, secure can sometimes be a trap. If we chase it as an ideal state to achieve, rather than an internal capacity we build, devalues the word. That’s why I believe it’s time to move the goal posts.
Self-leadership is the new secure attachment
So much of attachment theory, for all its insight and value, still rests on a binary foundation: secure vs. insecure. Healthy vs. unhealthy. Anxious, avoidant, disorganized. You’re either regulated or you’re not.
It’s not unlike the saint/sinner split you find in certain religious teachings. Useful, maybe, if your goal is to sort people into categories. But it’s limiting if your goal is to grow.
The kind of love I learned about—in both Sunday School and grad school—wasn’t binary. It wasn’t reserved for the worthy few. It was expansive. Inclusive. Why shouldn’t we apply that same lens to the parts of us that show up in relationships needing care?
Rather than aiming to become “secure” in our attachment style (as if it’s a badge to earn), what if we focused on cultivating Self-energy. This is what IFS (Internal Family Systems) founder Richard Schwartz describes as calm, clarity, compassion, curiosity, creativity, confidence, courage, and connectedness.
Self-energy isn’t an end state. It’s a mode of being. And it’s available to you right now. You don’t have to wait until you’ve “fixed” your inner child or resolved every attachment wound. You simply have to notice who’s driving you in a given moment. Is the big You in charge? Or is a protective part running the show?
I don’t know about you, but my relationships are messy. This is true even for the securely attached. Instead of measuring success by whether I’m calm all the time, or whether my partner responds the “right” way, I try to ask: Am I leading from Self in this moment, or is a part of me reacting from fear, shame, control, or defensiveness?
A Real Couple, A Real Shift
Jamie and Marcus have been together for 11 years, navigating what they call their “perpetual landmine.” Jamie’s wants more emotional check-ins and Marcus’ shuts down if he doesn’t have space.
In therapy, they used to ask, “How do we fix our thinking about this problem?”
Now, they ask, “Who’s showing up right now?”
Last week, when Jamie asked, “Can we talk later tonight about how things felt at dinner?” Marcus noticed his stomach tighten. His avoidant part whispered, you’re about to get blamed…back away. But he paused. Breathed. And led from Self.
He responded: “Yes, I can feel myself getting anxious. But I’m here. Let’s talk.”
That wasn’t secure attachment in the traditional sense. That was Self-leadership. Not being free of parts but choosing not to be led by them.
A New Definition of Safety
Secure attachment often hinges on someone else responding in a consistent, caring way. And that is valid. But it also puts safety outside of ourselves.
Self-leadership invites us to anchor safety from within. To turn inward and say: I can hold space for my scared part. I can stay calm in the face of disconnection. I can choose clarity over control.
What truly transforms relationships is becoming a secure home for all parts of yourself.
Try a Moment of Noticing
This week, in any moment of tension or emotional reactivity, ask yourself:
Who’s speaking for me right now?
Is this my Self, or a protector part trying to shield me?
Can I pause, breathe, and invite more curiosity or compassion into this moment?
You may be surprised how often clarity arises. You don’t have to solve because you can shift into Self, who knows how to connect, be calm, and confident.
We don’t need to be perfectly healed to love well.
We need to know who’s driving and choose to take the wheel with Self-energy at the helm.
Let’s move toward feeling more secure and confident by being Self-led.